The Pressure of Proverbs 31
The Proverbs 31 woman is the Superwoman of Christian femininity. Like Mary Poppins, she is practically perfect in every way. I don’t know about you, but when I read about her vigorous work, her lamp that doesn’t go out and her household dressed in scarlet, she makes me feel more tired than inspired. Proverbs 31 gives us a long list of expectations to live up to.
But this isn’t the intention of the original passage. Proverbs 31 is not a description of the perfect Christian woman for us all to copy. Let’s take a fresh look at this familiar passage.
At the beginning of the chapter, we read that Proverbs 31 was a poem taught to a young King named Lemuel by his mother. It is an acrostic poem—each verse beginning with successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet.
The chapter begins with instructions for a king to be sober and wise, to rule fairly and without partiality. And it continues to describe the qualities of a prospective wife, someone of great value to the king. The poem is not a detailed description of a particular woman. The Proverbs 31 women didn’t literally exist. The qualities described in the poem are a celebration of the qualities a wise young man should look for in a wife—a wife worth more than rubies (v10); a wife who brings him good all the days of her life (v12). The poem describes the hopes and dreams of a mother for her son as he chooses a life partner.
I wholeheartedly empathise with this mother. As I write this, I have a 22-year-old son who is actively looking for a young woman to spend time with, and ultimately marry. It seems the qualities at the top of his list are often different from the ones on top of mine. What he notices about young women is different to me, and I am regularly reminding him of the value of a smart, hard-working, godly woman—the kind of woman described in Proverbs 31. King Lemuel’s mother was a wise woman!
I love the conclusion to the poem. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). That sums it up perfectly. This is the message I want for my son. Choose a wife, not for her charm or beauty, but for her character, her love for God, her heart.
When we read through the qualities of the wife described in Proverbs 31 in light of the role of women in the culture of the time, it is quite astounding. Women were not valued. They couldn’t testify in a court of law; they had few legal rights and enjoyed very little personal freedom. And yet, the Proverbs 31 woman is an entrepreneur and profitable business owner. She is smart and strong; she manages her household with excellence; she is generous, wise and honoured. She is highly valued.
If you do a little Googling into Jewish family tradition, you will find that the male head of Jewish households sung the Proverbs 31 poem over their wife as a blessing on Friday evenings as the family gathered to celebrate the Sabbath meal. It is a blessing, a celebration, a poem of honour and value.
And yet, when we read this chapter of scripture and try to apply it to our lives, we can feel inadequate. We feel like a failure because we don’t live up to the list. Instead of feeling celebrated and honoured, we feel overwhelmed and pressured. Instead of feeling empowered, we feel trapped. Instead of feeling accomplished, we feel pressure to perform and achieve.
The truth is, most women I know are living Proverbs 31 lives and could stand proud before King Lemuel’s mother any day of the week. The women I know are smart and strong; they work hard raising their kids, loving their husband and managing their home, often while working outside the home or building their own business as well. They are capable, independent, wise, generous and kind.
And I know single women who are godly and generous, setting an example to those they influence. I know women with mental illness who courageously fight for health and strength every day. I know women who don’t fit the neat square mold, and yet they embody the qualities and character of the godly woman Proverbs 31 describes.
Friends, let’s stand tall and celebrate the value of biblical womanhood. Let’s accept the blessing that God, through this wise mother, bestows on us as women who can do anything and do it very well. Let’s not get caught up in the culture that values youth and beauty over integrity and character. May our relationship with God and our obedience to Him be the foundation of our lives.
Let’s read these verses in context, recognising them as the writer intended—to help a young man look for a wife who brings value and honour to his life. A wife that he, his children and their community can look up to and admire. A godly, capable woman. I pray we can throw off the weight of expectation and accept the permission-giving celebration of everything we contribute to our families and communities when we trust God and serve Him.
