Are You Okay?

This week we celebrated RUOK? Day here in Australia. It is a mental health initiative to profile the importance of looking out for each other. We need to take the time to genuinely ask the question, ‘Are you okay?’ and be prepared to listen to the answer. 

I am in a good place now, but the publicity brought back all the memories of when I wasn’t okay. I was struggling, but if you had asked me, I probably would have put on my smile and told you I was fine. I was pretty good at soldering on. I was good at putting my own needs aside and getting on with the job. I was good at pushing through.

The fact my hubby was struggling made it even harder.

A lot has changed since then. We have completely turned our lives upside-down, and now we can both honestly say that we are okay. Like, really okay.

We recently spent a few weeks back in the city visiting family and friends. We enjoyed a lot of dinners and catch-up conversations with those we love. Some were going well. Others are not.

It was heartbreaking. Seeing friends who were struggling months ago when I last saw them who were still overwhelmed but wearier than ever—overwhelmed by work pressures, overcome by anxiety and other mental health challenges, overwhelmed by the ongoing uncertainty of living in a pandemic. I leant a listening ear, an encouraging word and a promise of brighter days ahead. But there was very little I could do.

But some friends, even during challenges and uncertainty, are going well. They have a spring in their step and a sparkle in their laugh. They may be under work pressure and facing an uncertain future, but they are not consumed by it.

Here are some of the differences:

hope

When we have plans to look forward to, when we can see a way through, when we have hope, the weight is lighter. Our energy is drained when we get so bogged down in the hard stuff and can’t get our heads above the waves. Life is an endless slog.

Our friends who were doing well had hope. They knew their struggle wouldn’t last forever. They had things in the future to look forward to.

options

One thing we have learned from living on the road is there are always options. One way may be closed, but there is always another way to go, something else to do instead, a different road to take. It takes a certain amount of confidence and health to look outside the box when things don’t go to plan. You need creative energy to look for alternatives. You need the confidence to veer off the wide paved road and explore the bush track. It takes courage to challenge conventional wisdom and look for an alternative path.

When we get burned out, we feel like there are no options left. We get stuck on the treadmill and can’t see how to get off without hitting the emergency button. It seems easier just to keep running.

My friends who are in a tough place find it hard to see the options open to them. The idea of change is exhausting when you are already tired. 

sustainability

Our friends who are coping well have found a sustainable pace. They prioritise the simple things that replenish their energy and give them what they need to continue. Life may be difficult, but they are taking steps to look after themselves well along the way.

Simple things like having a healthy diet, exercising and spending regular time outside, prioritising time with friends and loved ones, and not neglecting spiritual practices give us the energy to persevere.

There is no easy way to do this. There will always be more work commitments to attend to, more jobs to do around the house and more responsibilities than what we have time for. We need to put strong boundaries around our time, our most valuable relationships, and those few activities that greatly impact our mental health. We need to say ‘no’ to some good things so we can say ‘yes’ to what’s better. We need to be okay with occasionally disappointing some people so we can take care of ourselves.

community

Having a coach, a cheer squad, and a pit crew make a big difference to how hard, fast, and long we can run the race. We need each other. Let me say that again: we need each other! We do not have everything we need alone. We need people to share the laughter and tears, bounce ideas off, download our disappointments onto, and give us an occasional kick up the pants. There is power in community.

When we are unwell and struggling to keep going, it’s all too easy to retreat into our own despair. We get stuck inside our own head’s, and the last thing we feel like is reaching out to other people. This is particularly true for those of us who are introverts, but it happens to extroverts too.

My friends who are coping well through this difficult season have a community around them. They are showing up for church, coffee with friends, playing sport, and answering the phone. As hard as it may be, they are not alone.

are you okay?

How are you going?

Do you have hope? Is there something in your future you are looking forward to? What are you working towards?

Do you have options? Do you have alternative ideas to change your path if needed?

Are you living at a sustainable pace? Do you have time to replenish the energy you need each day? Are you looking after your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs?

Are you part of a supportive community? Do you have people around you who can cheer you on? Hold you accountable? Give you ideas and advice? Have fun with? 

I wish self-care weren’t so hard. I wish our culture celebrated rest. I wish the demands of work and family life were more reasonable. I wish there were more margins, more whitespace. But there aren’t unless we create them for ourselves. We have to take responsibility for all of these things ourselves. No one else is going to do it for us.

And this is hard in a world that celebrates busyness and rewards unhealthy boundaries. But we can do it. Be courageous! Look for options. Make the changes. Do the things that make it possible for you to be okay.

I hope and pray that next year on RUOK? Day you can look back and see the progress you’ve made.

Here are 12 quick self-care ideas for when you’re feeling low, and 15 encouraging verses for hard days.

Take good care of yourself. I’m cheering you on!