I Quit

I’ve had enough. I don’t want to do this anymore. That’s it. I’m done. I give up.

It’s been a big year, and I’ve had enough. Enough suffering, pain and tragedy. Enough dishes, enough washing, enough grocery shopping. Enough packing and unpacking and sorting and decluttering. Enough of my kids exams and graduations and milestones. Enough deciding what to wear to work and finding something healthy for lunch and driving in traffic. I’m tired and I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of Christmas already and I haven’t done one thing to prepare yet. I’m tired of everything and everyone and I want to quit.

My eldest graduated from uni, my middle daughter finished her second year of uni and my youngest just graduated from high school. Just thinking about those three people that I love the most in the whole world and what they have achieved this year makes me feel raw. We’ve sold our home and gotten rid of half of our possessions and settled in a new home in the last few months. The whole process has been exhausting.

My ministry is demanding and inspiring and frustrating and amazing. As each prayer request comes through my heart breaks for those in need. As each prayer is answered I am overwhelmed with God’s goodness and miraculous provision, and each day more energy drains from my spirit.

Good and bad, it has all taken its toll. Now I’ve had enough and I want to quit.

I just want to whinge. When anyone asks me how I am, I want to tell them! I can go into meticulous detail about how hard it was to move house, about the kids getting older and the stress of life changing. I love to help everyone understand how demanding ministry is with all of the extra pressures at the end of the year. After all, it’s all about me and everyone should know how hard I work and how tired I am.

I want to quit, but I won’t. I haven’t finished yet. There is more to do. “Mum, what’s for tea?” So I put my big girl pants on, pull up my socks, take a healthy spoonful of cement, and keep on keeping on. I really am perfectly fine. I need to put some balance back into my calendar, be disciplined in my self-care routine and take one more day at a time.

It’s okay that it’s not easy

Just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean that I’m on the wrong track. God never calls us to an easy life, just a devoted one. He promises to supply everything I need, and to be present with me every step of the way.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me.’
— Matthew 16:24

I need to look to Jesus

I’m not supposed to carry my burdens alone. I’m not supposed to feel like I can cope with everything on my plate by myself. God wants me to rely on Him. He designed me for relationship with Him and promises to be there for me and with me.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
— Matthew 11:28-30

Perseverance is valuable

We live in an instant society and want the story-line to resolve by the end of every 40 minute episode. I want that in my life as well. I want every loose end to be neatly tied off by the end of each day, or at the very least by the end of the week. When unresolved stress drags on for months, or even years, it wears me down and wears me out. I need to continue to look to God for an eternal perspective and persevere in ‘patient endurance’.

So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.
— Hebrews 10:35-36

It’s time for a cup of tea and some time in the Word. Then I’ll get the washing off the line and find something to cook for tea. By the grace of God, I’ll be back on the job in the morning.